This Much
One year ago today, our three kids were adopted. And so, I wanted to write something here for me and to share with you. Because although there are parts of our story that are deeply personal, there are also many beautiful things we have experienced and learned. Things I don’t think we were meant to keep just to ourselves. Who knew I could feel so many deep emotions- of love, of heartache, and strength? Things I would have never known had we not said yes.
When our kids moved into our home, they were in foster care with us for six months before the adoption could be finalized. Those first months in the fall of 2020, with five kids ages 3-5, were so very hard. It pushed us all to the limits of everything. And so when autumn rolled around again this year, I felt many of the same fears rise to the surface. I wanted so badly to erase the huge pain our kids had experienced in the past. How will they ever be able to fully trust me? How do I approach this behavior? Is this something that will last forever? Will their precious souls ever know peace? I wished I could make it all better.
And so, one day in November, I dropped the boys off at preschool and came home. I curled up under a blanket and began crying out and praying, feeling so desperate for answers. I just wanted to know that they were going to be okay. I finished spilling out all of my fears and sat in that exhausted calm you feel after a good cry. I looked out the window at the gray sky and felt a gentle nudge to go outside. I grabbed my blanket, went out, and sat in the adirondack chair on our back deck. After a few minutes, the thick cover of clouds that covered the sky parted for the briefest moment, and the brilliant autumn sun shone through. The leaves on the trees and on the dune were golden with light. And then, I felt an assurance from God that moved through to my toes, “I would move heaven and earth for you. I love you that much.”
The peace that followed was solid. It wasn’t a temporary moment of calm like I had experienced before, on good days and good moments. It was a solid rock. A promise firm and unmoving. The full assurance of a love that has been here before me and will be here after me. A reminder that the one who would move heaven and earth for me, would surely do the same for my children, and my children’s children.
I knew right away that I wanted to paint this hill and this moment, so I could remember that day. A day when a truth that I have heard many times, finally sunk into my bones. And I wanted to share it. In case you needed to hear it too.
